holy wow

"I believe that Jesus is calling for people to be a nobody for him — people who would forsake the “American dream” to be a part of bringing gospel hope to the nations. People who don’t mind if they are not recognized, respected, praised, or promoted — as long as the name of Jesus is cherished, exalted, and adored. People who understand that Jesus didn’t come to this world and die on a cross so that we could have a comfortable suburban life and enjoy going to our local church's corporate gathering on Sundays."

These words come from Michael Oh via his post on John Piper's Desiring God blog. You can read the post in its entirety here.

I felt sharp conviction upon reading this. I've had 21 years now to craft my idea of the "American Dream." The desire to attain and possess is a giant part of my sin nature...In high school I would lie in bed at night writing 100-point lists on "How to Create a Lovely Life." Even when Jesus came became central in my life, seeking after Him ran parallel to seeking after this perfect life. I never really considered another lifestyle. I was an intelligent, college-bound Christian...what could possibly stand between me and moderate wealth? I was certain that both Jesus and a BMW was in my future.

Later in his post Oh says, "We must realize that we have absolutely no right to tell God, 'I’ll do this for you, but not that.' We must understand how globally worthy he is to be loved and adored, how incredibly hard the task of making him known is, and how great are the sacrifices needed to see that happen."

Sure God, I'll go all out for you. As long as I can continue to craft my life as I see fit.

I'll live in New Orleans, God, if that's what you want for me. I'll give you that much I guess. But in a pretty area of the city, and not only a pretty area but I want my house to be pretty, too. Preferably new made to look old. Gated communities and subdivisions are your options, God. I will also requre a fancy DSLR to take beautiful pictures of my perfect life. Oh and I would also like to be skinny and fit and two inches taller. And kind of a hipster, but also ridiculously glamourous. Please one, just ONE pair of Louboutins? Also everything Olivia Palermo wears? Which reminds me that I NEED a walk-in closet with a chandelier. Are you writing this down God? Santa Claus Jesus, are you there?

And see...it's funny. And it sounds lighthearted and playful. But my heart can attest that it's true.

How utterly ridiculous is all this?

Who am I to say to God: "Here is what I will do for you. That should be enough. Don't ask me for more, please. Ok thanks bye."

Who am I to say to Him who created me, gives me my every breath, and charted all my days: "I know better for my life than you do."

Who am I, a nobody, marred by sin, to say to the One who calls me his precious daughter: "I need other beauty, other luxury, other loveliness before my eyes. You are not enough to satisfy my desire for perfection."

This longing for perfection is insatiable outside of letting God be its answer. He defines and embodies perfection! And he is desperate for me to come to Him. I KNOW this.

I just need to know that I know that I know it.

Lord, I believe! Help my unbelief.

carrying capacity, new orleans style

When we moved to New Orleans last year, amazing grace and comfort were waiting for us; we had ready-made insta-friends from our beautiful Young Life community. Put in microwave, open top to vent, heat for thirty seconds. Done! We loved people instantly and we were so grateful to be loved back instantly. Their presence breathed incredible peace into my heart and made me believe we could make a home here.

We had left behind another incredible community of folks in East Lansing, Michigan, that we loved desperately. Just thinking about them puts a HUGE silly grin on my face; if you ever hear me speak about this time, you'll think I'm looking back through rose-colored lenses. Except everything was actually totally 100% rosy all on its own! It was a time saturated with joy and vibrance and hilarity and honesty and deep, deep love, all happening by the hand of God. So many good people.

Somewhere in the middle of my time there, I wrote about the curious existence of a carrying capacity within the realm of human relationship. I was basically exploring the idea that you simply don't have the capability to be besties with everyone. I felt there were too many people in my life I wanted to know and love well, and I just...couldn't. There was not enough time. It made me kinda sad.

To be honest, I think I thought then that I was at a unique time in my life. College was practically 24/7 playtime, so there was plenty of time to pursue friends. I thought maybe that's why my friend circles were ginormous. Maybe whenever I became an adult the carrying capacity problem would disappear. I mean, do adults even hang out with their friends? I wasn't really sure.

But I was sure that 1. I loved and held dear those friendships that were deep and real, and 2. I constantly met people that I wanted to have deep relationships with, and 3. those relationships just can't always come to fruition.

In fact, deep relationships can really only happen with a few people in any given season. And for the first few months in New Orleans, I thoroughly enjoyed getting to spend all my time with our cozy circle of insta-friends.

But six months later, it's happened again. MEGA FRIEND CIRCLES!

If Coryell and I have a free evening, we have to have a serious conversation about who to call. Sometimes I just want to eenie-meenie the whole situation and not worry about the outcome. We have friends we wish we could see every week that we've hardly seen all summer, the insta-friends we want to see all the time, friends we see weekly at YL functions we wish we could just hang out with, and individual friends we want to spend time with. Not to mention family and friends in Michigan we're dying to skype and call and vidchat.

Last time around, the existence of a carrying capacity was a huge revelation for me. Since then I've been painfully- and increasingly- aware of it. Now I'm learning that not only does it exist, but it's okay that it exists. Some weeks I won't see my best friends. A month might even slip by without seeing them. Sometimes I will meet someone new and have to bite back the conventional, "We should get coffee sometime!" and it's okay because it's not who God has set before me to love at the time.

He has set before me first and foremost Himself-- then my husband, then family, friends, ministry, and community. And that is an order I can handle.